Updated: Sep 26, 2019
A discouraging title to begin this blog post but let’s continue, shall we?
Over the past few months I have realized something: Life really is a shit sandwich sometimes. Jonathan Winters would agree to this, as it is his statement and his solution would be to just add more bread.
What I love about the entire quote is there is no fluff, no sugar coating, no “everything will be okay” kind of bs. It simply means that life sucks so add good stuff to make it less shitty. You’re probably wondering how this relates to the title so let’s continue…
After a hard breakup of mine, I spent a few months confused as to why it even happened. I was sad & desperate to have it all back but alas, I was never able to. Like a kid who throws a temper tantrum when they don’t get their way, I embarrassingly did the same. I am not proud of it and I sure did a good job making myself feel worse. No one picked me off the floor when I was done sobbing and stubbornly I didn’t want to get up either. I wanted to sit, complain, and ugly cry about how unfair the world was, men are dumb, love is dead, life is meaningless, OHH GoD PLEAseeeEE tAke Me NOoOWWW I can’t go on like this.
Words from a real Drama Queen herself. I ceased to wear the Barbie pink, plastic, colorfully bejeweled, crown you find in the $1 section at Target, like it was my duty to wear it with honor.
That crown appeared on my head after the break up and it became an immediate obstruction to becoming a better version of myself. The crown made me entitled. I got caught up in the illusion that life was going exactly how I wanted it to, therefore, nothing horrific should happen. I learned all my lessons in life and promised I would never do anything wrong again, if it meant I could keep the life I had now. There might be a tire that needs fixing at some point and maybe I got regular almond milk instead of the vanilla flavor at the store. God forbid though, please let nothing more tragic than those things happen to me, or my fragile ego will shatter into a million pieces. When my boyfriend and I broke up, I was more interested in what I thought I was entitled to instead of accepting my actual reality. This didn't just apply to my relationship but it related to all areas of my life.
When things go wrong I tend to be overly optimistic or overly pessimistic. Then I start acting like the world owes me something for being strong through the tough times, or maybe I deserve less problems because life is getting too difficult to mange. This can be dangerous because neither of those perspectives are good ones. I'm learning to find a balance between acknowledging when things aren't going well while simultaneously still being optimistic about my future. Gratitude goes a long way but it's a battle to maintain it when you have a mind that is restless.
It’s been 3 months since my ego took a beating, but I’ve never felt better about it. I needed to be humbled and come to the realization that I am not special. I am just like every other human on this Earth. We hurt, we laugh, we cry, we love, and we do this all on a deeper level. It’s beautiful we experience these occurrences together, but it’s easier to believe that no one is feeling exactly the way we do when we're struggling. Once we look beyond ourselves and see we aren't alone, it brings us one step closer to healing. We see communities we can belong to, with people we can share our hurt with, and I think that is magnificent!
I don’t want to live in Candy Land anymore. A place that is made, duped, and sugar coated with extra rainbow sprinkles; so fragile that it can shatter by the slightest touch. I want to live here in this reality of mine where not everything is perfect, but I can strive to improve it. I want to live in the reality where the truth hurts sometimes and I accept the idea that I am not unique in any way. Everyone is hurting in one way or another and although my feelings may be valid, I can’t let it swallow me up and hinder my opportunity for new growth.
There are plenty of others who are extraordinary and if I want to live among the inspiring, I must work hard to be extraordinary too.
I want to choose things that truly matter to me and put all my focus into it. At the end of my life, what I have done with my life may only matter to just a few others and that’s okay. I am honored to have inspired 2 people in my lifetime, if I’m even that lucky. My reality revolves around the people I love, passions that bring purpose to my life, and the idea that I am not striving for a happy, dreamy, perfect, life but for a good quality one.
I want to live a decent life that requires me to eat a shit sandwich every now and then, with a big ole’ smile on my face, because I am a mad woman who loves the difficult challenges in life.
I’m finally done crying. I get it, I am not special. And yes, the drama queen has been overthrown. There is a new woman now who is earnestly average with a lot of learning to do and she is completely okay with it, and frankly, she doesn’t really care if you’re okay with it too.
Now let’s all go eat our shit sandwiches together and get on with our mundane lives! 😉