• Beni

How To Be Alone.

Updated: Sep 26, 2019


"Loneliness is such an omnipotent and painful threat to many persons that they have little conception of the positive values of solitude and even, at times, are frightened at the prospect of being alone." - Rollo May


I was driving through the mountains last weekend and couldn’t believe I was doing this alone. To be honest I don’t do many things alone. I always have someone with me when I go on adventures, but this time it was just me, myself, and I.


Windows down, crisp mountain air blowing through my hair, and music dialed all the way up. I couldn’t help but smile and enjoy the moment I was living. A simple moment yet remarkably fulfilling. I spent the day enjoying the sun, walking around, exploring new places I hadn’t been to, and taking a lot of photos.


As great as it was I couldn’t help but feel – Alone. You know that feeling when your sad because your enjoying life and wish you had company to share it with? That’s exactly how I was feeling. I wondered why though. Why am I always unhappy with my own company, can’t that be enough to have fun? Obviously, it’s not, so what’s my deal?!



1. I don’t like the feeling of being alone.


I LOVE doing things with other people. Especially my friends and family who add value to my time. Who doesn’t want to be around people who bring you happiness?! I sure do, but constantly surrounding myself with others takes away time from myself. I have forgotten what enjoying my own company looks like. Truthfully, I believe I can only have fun if I am with someone else. I know this isn’t true but it’s my reality right now.



My solution:

Start doing things that I enjoy alone. I have picked up painting and a few other hobbies and fully delight in it. I do get discomfort when I’m alone because I get in my head about not being enough, if I had someone to share my time with they would help me see the fun in it, or I’m just wasting my time, but that’s not true! I am investing time in myself to discover what makes Beni happy. Making time for myself reminds me that I don’t have to rely on others to make me happy because I can make myself happy too!




2. I have self-doubt when I’m alone


What if I get stranded? What if I get lost on a one-way street? What if I find a million dollars, get hunted down by high profiled con-artists, and must leave everyone I love behind for a new life one the run? Look - I know I’m starting to sound ridiculous, but I do think like this. Anyone else get freaked out about having to drive long distances alone or fly somewhere new on your own? You begin to think of all the things that could go wrong and suddenly staying at home seems a lot better than a girl’s trip to the Bahamas, or a road trip to the mountains. I doubt my ability to do things I know I am fully capable of doing, therefore miss out on the opportunity to do fun things.


My solution:

Fearlessly live. How will I know what I’m truly capable of if I don’t dare to live bigger than what I’m living now? I’m tired of feeling scared to do things as simple as a 1-hour drive somewhere. Tribulations are never an arm length away but so are some of the best days of your life.


I can focus on what could go wrong or I can focus on the idea of what could be. I like to believe that the world doesn’t have a hold on my destiny, I do. So why not start acting like I have the power already?


I recently gave myself permission to live fearlessly without holding anything back and I feel amazing already.




3. I don’t spend enough time alone.

Here’s the root of it all - I don’t spend enough time alone.

I have no one to blame but myself. I relied too heavily on other people to be my safety and joy and overtime it hindered my ability to be by myself. I’m always asking myself; who will I spend time with today? What’s the next plan? How can I not feel alone today? I load up my schedule with so many activities, spending time with friends, and by the end of the week I wonder why I feel like I’ve spread myself thin.




My solution:

Stop wondering who people think I am and ask myself: Who do I think I am?

Coming from someone who has struggled with internal validation her entire life, I am finally understanding what it means to have it. Internal Validation means you are secure with who you are and being alone allows you to discover that part of yourself. It gives you the freedom to let your mind wander and sometimes it gets painfully ominous. I begin confessing my worst fears, what hurts me most, my big/little dreams, and through it all I listen to my own words. Analyzing the cause and reason for what I said, I talk myself through it and find a solution. I stay alone for as long as I need until I fully believe I am not all the bad things I said I was.




To conclude, I want to note that spending time with people is amazing! It’s fun, healing, and something you shouldn’t miss out on – the same goes with being alone. It can be intimidating and even haunting to be confronted by our own thoughts, but once you get used to doing it, you begin to discover there is a peace to it as well.


There is a balance to everything and the goal isn't to isolate myself from everyone. I love good company. The true goal is to make a valiant effort to find amity between me and the art of being alone & I hope you can too.



Yours Truly,

Beni

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