I recently asked people to ask me what kind of advice or encouragement I could give them, and most of their responses revolved around the topic of love. Although finding love is not the end goal in my life, I cannot deny my desire to have a deep connection with someone on an intimate level.
I once dated someone I was absolutely in-love with. We dated for over half a year and just like that it all ended. I was devastated because for the first time I really had someone I could connect with. I had dated people before for years and nothing compared to the connection I had with this man. I admired him for all that was and was someone I looked up to. When we broke up it’s important you know we ended on good terms. My advice doesn’t come from bitterness but from a lot of tears and a considerable amount of love.
So how did I heal from this painful heartache? I moved on and here is how I did it.
1. I Acknowledged The Root Of My Hurt
I think one of the worst feelings in the world is being sad and not knowing why. How am I supposed to feel better if I don’t know what hurt me in the first place? Yes, the breakup crushed me but it was only the beginning of my anguish. I think we forget that it isn’t the breakup itself we hold onto, but the raw feelings it leaves us with when it’s all over. I held onto repeated thoughts like, “But I thought he loved me?” or “He was the person I loved most in life, how am I supposed to just forget that?” and “He promised he would never leave me but did anyways.”
“He was the person I loved most in life, how am I supposed to just forget that?”
I dug deeper as to why I kept replaying those questions in my head and finally realized I felt betrayed. I entrusted this man with all the love I could muster up at the time yet, he decided he didn't want to and make things work.
“Betrayal” became more than a word to me but a mantra I continued manifesting within my broken heart. I knew it wasn’t healthy to do and it was time to put an end to the delusions. I had to realize that this feeling of betrayal made me think less of myself and the person I really loved. I decided to attempt to understand where he was coming from meanwhile telling myself that my worth was not defined by his actions but by my own. If I was going to move on I needed to uproot betrayal and plant devotion in its place. I replaced my hurt with something I could work towards. Whether it meant devoting time to myself or into things I loved, I was encouraging myself to grow in a way that was not only positive but healing too.
2. Accept The Truth.
Wow, where does my stubborn heart begin with this one? Let’s just say this was the hardest part of my healing which was accepting the hard truth - It’s really over.
So what did that mean to me? At first it was a suggestion and in my head I rationalized, “Okay it’s over but it’s not over over.” Then it became, “Okay so it’s over but we could still get back together in the future.” I kept coming up with these hopeful expectations when finally it came to the truth, “It’s really over isn't it? He’s not changing his mind. He’s not looking back. He made his decision and he wont ever think twice about loving me again. What we had will no longer be anything more than a box full of souvenirs on a shelf, hidden away from the world and that is where our story ends.”
Ouch, right? What no one tells you is that you have to speak the truth over and over again until it’s fully solidified in your mind. I can’t tell you how many times I would just sink into a solitary void and sob my truths out loud. It hurt so bad that sometimes I asked if it really needed to hurt this much. Was I grieving properly? Surely I have felt it all at this point, how much more pain is there left to feel?
It took some time and then one day I said it and there were no tears. One day I spoke those honest words and they no longer felt heavy.
When we choose to accept those hard truths, we face not only our burdens but simultaneously release them, then unbind ourselves from it all.
My determined heart, though it may try, finally was able to let go. I let go of the love I had, the good & bad memories I had, and most importantly I let go of him. Once I did this I started to contribute all those emotions into myself and show some belated TLC to my newly renewed self.
3. The "Falling Action"
Often it’s been said that our life is a book and the chapters tell our story. That being said, every story has a climax and in this episode of my life it was the break up. What happens after the climax is what we call the “Falling Action.” This is where the story begins to take steps to resolve the problem and find it’s closure. Looking back most days after the break up I felt extremely lonely, heartbroken, and depleted. Sooner than later I decided that being sad over someone who didn’t want me back just wasn’t worth it anymore.
It’s silly if you think about it. Why waste my time crying over what someone else did to me when the power is still mine to hold, right? I can choose to end this chapter on someone else's terms or on my own and I chose the latter of the two. If this is my story then I get to have the final say not someone who broke my heart. Gradually, I got to a place where I was heavily focused on investing in myself that I no longer had time to be sad about somebody.
Making sure my falling actions led towards a positive ending helped me see that I can truly close one part of my life and move on to the next. It took a lot of time to get where I am now but I can't stop here so...
Onto the next chapter!
- Yours Truly,