Updated: Feb 10, 2021
"Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling." - Joyce Brothers
Driving in my car I was feeling like a kid on Christmas Eve. I was about to go have dinner with a guy I really liked. Everything about him seemed so interesting. Like a box with well-kept secrets, I wanted to know all there was to know about him. As we ate; we laughed, exchanged stories, and found things we had in common while respecting each other's differences.
We later went back to his place, had a few more drinks, and began to spill our fears and unpublished dreams in the making. The tension kept getting stronger, we were getting so intimate with the details of our lives, all there was left was the physical part. Right?
I got closer to him in hopes that maybe he felt this too. He gave me "the look" and at that moment time held its breath while it waited for us to finally kiss - and so we did.
The suspense unfolded, we found ourselves in bed....and well you can assume the rest. As we finished so had the day. The sun had set, our bodies intertwined, and the moon as our only light. Soon, our conversations softly faded into the night and we fell asleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to him holding me. How is it possible for someone to hold you, yet still be at arm's length from you? Unfortunately, I knew this feeling all too well and I was feeling it again - Loneliness.
In the morning he walked me to my car and I drove away. Invasive thoughts kept interrupting me as I drove back home. Hadn't I wanted all that? I definitely wanted it at the time but now I wonder why I let my desires get the best of me. "Oh Beni, his curiosity about you has faded, He didn't want to get to know you, he wanted to get with you," I tell myself.
I wasn't wrong. After seeing each other a few more times it became routine and I simply had enough. I was tired of dates being anything but what I dream up in my head. I wasn't looking for the "perfect" date and I wasn't asking for much, but I definitively didn't want a bite to eat and causal sex. I wanted something more exciting & intimate than that, but I sold myself short to someone who didn't want the same.
I'll be honest with you, I have expended my love. I used it all up on people who were not ready to love me how I wanted to be loved. Over the past month, I have been practicing different forms of intimacy because I have run away from it all my life. I'm done running from love. I crave it, I want it, but I need it to be real or I don't want it at all.
I don't want the person who wants to know me but we hook up and then change his priorities with me. I don't want the person who acts like my boyfriend without the label but when I confess my feelings, he tells me he "just can't be the boyfriend I need right now."
I do want intimacy but I want it to begin with "Hello." It sounds cheesy but I think we have forgotten how important it is to just be with someone. To learn what makes them laugh, what makes them cry, when to hold their hand and when they need space. Learning friendly intimacy has been a lost art. We jump into sex, in what should be a deeply intimate experience, and we don't even know how to hold them properly.
Of course, there is such thing as casual sex, I am very aware of this. I have done it often and I am not one to judge if you do it.
I am looking for deep intimacy though and so I am putting a boundary down, Do Not Kiss me.
Don't kiss me without getting to know me first. Don't kiss me because you were in the moment or because it felt right. Don't kiss me out of curiosity to find out what it would feel like. Don't kiss me for a dare. Don't kiss me just to mark me as another tally in your book. Don't kiss me expecting to sleep with me in a matter of minutes. Please, I beg you, do not kiss me.
Do kiss me though, once you discover the darker parts of me I am afraid to share with everyone else. Do kiss me if you are willing to love me as a dear friend and as more overtime. Do kiss me if you promise to kiss me like the first time, every time. Do kiss me like you're afraid to lose me.
I want to be loved for who I am and all that comes with Me. I want your commitment to loving me dearly as a friend, but also with the curiosity to know more about me so you can love me as more than just your friend.
I want to be your best friend, your lover, your companion, I want to be all of it.
Now that I have confessed what I want I am holding myself accountable for this as well. It is only fair that if I ask this from others I should respectfully treat them the same way.
I want to be truly loved and cared for and hopefully, it will be promised and sealed with a kiss.
But until then, don't kiss me.